The Five Stages
by Rachel Wilder
Summary: The Girardi family deals with their feelings about Kevin's accident. Stage 3 - Depression - now added. Things haven't been right in Will's Girardi's life for a while, but lately it seems like everything's been hard including just getting up every day.
1. Denial

Denial 

  


**Denial**

* * *

**Denial** - _An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings_

Get a job.

Drive a car.

Find a girlfriend.

Be normal.

Kevin pushed down on the bed and rolled himself onto his left side, his back to the bedroom door. The move was about as effective as an ostrich putting his head in the sand, but psychologically it made him feel like he could hold off the rest of the house for a little bit longer.

He wasn't ready to face the day and he sure wasn't ready to face all of the faces at the table that morning.

What was normal anymore, anyway? Two years ago the scouts had been after him, the Dodgers' AAA guy kept telling him that he had just the kind of arm they were looking for, Arizona State kept upping the scholarship ante with promises of a great spot in the pitching rotation, their participation in the college World Series, his mom and dad had been so proud.

And so had Anna.

She had e-mailed him again the day before. Rebecca had just dropped off a pile of things that had to be done before the end of the day, but he had taken a moment to check his e-mail and there it was.

Seemed pretty weird after more than a year.

She'd been great at first. But he had to be honest, she was a girlfriend from high school. It wasn't like they were getting married and she sure hadn't bargained on being saddled with a cripple.

They had made love for the first time the week before the accident. And in some ways that made it even worse. She would know what she was missingwhat he was missing, but it also made the whole situation between them more serious than it really needed to be.

She'd been great through the summer, through the stint in rehab and when he'd come home. But when she left for college he told her to find another boyfriend, someone who was normal, someone who could walksomeone who could make love to her.

And it was fine. He was fine. Everything was different, but it was better without her sad face coming over every afternoon to sit in the yard with him. It was better to not see that pinched look on his mom's face every time Anna left.

His life was totally different now and there was no going back.

Kevin rolled back over and pushed himself into a seated position. Reaching behind him, he shook out his morning medication and slid the pills down his throat with a quick drink of water. If nothing else told him he was always going to be different, the morning did.

He reached for his chair and slid into the seat, pulled his legs off the bed and carefully set his feet on the footrests. He pulled the bedroom door open and headed for the bathroom.

The door was closed. He stopped just shy of the door and waited. After a moment, the door opened and Joan walked out, her face a little red. 

"Sorry, Luke was taking forever this morning, so I"

"It's just a bathroom, Joan," Kevin said as he rolled past her into the room that might as well have his name carved into the door.

The situation was crazy. His dad liked to pretend that moving to Arcadia was a big career plan, but the he knew that his parents wanted to get away from the place that reminded them of his life before. They had stayed there for six months after he got back from rehab and in many ways that house had been a better set-up than this one. But his mom loved this house and she had said they would do whatever was necessary to make it accessible for their son.

So, he had his own room with a trapeze over the bed, a lift to move him from the first floor to the second, a ramp in the living room, a ramp at the back door, a lift at the front.

And this bathroom with the special toilet, the special sink and the special shower. And a cupboard to hold all of his stuffwhich was probably why Joan's face had been so red. No one else ever came in here, so he'd gotten sloppy, left the stash of catheters out because it was easier than digging for a new one each time.

They never asked, no one, except his mom who had to learn all about his body when he was at the rehab center. But Joan, Lukeeven his dadnone of them really wanted to know what worked and what didn't.

He reached into the shower for the grab bar and slid over to the bench along the wall. He turned the water on and waited until it warmed up before he picked up the shower head and began to wash his body.

Kevin chuckled, thinking back to his conversation with Luke the week before about moose and elk. It was the one thing that still felt okaybeing the older brother. Despite everything else that had changed, he was still the guy that Luke went to talk to when he was afraid he was gay. His mom made him talk to Joan to see what was going on with her.

He felt okay with Rebecca too. His hand slid the washcloth down along his chest. He felt really okay around Rebecca.

* * *

  
"So, you disappeared suddenly yesterday." 

Kevin looked up as Rebecca dropped down on the corner of his desk. He looked over with a half smile on his face.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I" What would he say to her? He wasn't about to explain about a body that didn't behave any longer and about the unpredictability sometimes led to needing to leave suddenly.

"No big deal, I just wanted to make sure someone hadn't run you off."

Kevin's mouth tightened. "You don't have to keep watching out for me."

Rebecca stood back up. "SorryI didn't mean to" She turned and headed back toward her desk.

Damn. Why did he always get so defensive with her. He didn't have to tell her the truth, but he didn't have to piss her off, either.

* * *

  
_You still identify with who you used to be: able-bodied, handsome, white man in America -- everything was coming your way. Well, now it's gonna be a little bit of a struggle. You're going to have to pick your battles._

Kevin looked down the room where he could see Rebecca standing. He had been avoiding her all morning.

_Maybe you're just hot for his son.._.

Kevin turned his focus back to the computer screen where all the figures seemed to dance together. He shook his head. After leaving early the day before, he had to focus.

Did she like him? Could she?

Focus. Facts. City council meeting. Flood zone ordinance. He had to stop thinking about Rebecca.

* * *

  
It was dark when Kevin left the building. He headed for the parking lot, the station wagon sitting in his usual spot near the door. He could hear the sound of a car motor almost turning over and then dying. He wheeled past the wagon, toward the car. As he got closer, someone got out of the car and slammed the door shut. 

"Crap!"

"Ah, my favorite past time"

Rebecca looked up as Kevin approached her. She smiled weakly. "I think I left my dome light on this morning."

"You need a lift?" Kevin asked. "She's not pretty, but now that I got my new transmission, she's very reliable."

Rebecca laughed. "Yeah, that would be great. I'd wait for the tow truck, but I have a phone interview in an hour and my notes are at home."

Kevin turned and headed toward the car. "I should warn you though, I have had a car accident."

Rebecca laughed again. "I can call a cab."

"Get in," Kevin responded.

* * *

  
Helen looked up as Kevin came in the back door. 

"You're home late," she said as she got up and walked to the counter. "I saved you some dinner."

Kevin shrugged off his coat and put it on the hook near the back door. "Sorry, I should have called. Rebecca's car died, so I took her home. We stopped to grab some dinner on the way."

Helen smiled. "That sounds niceso, did you have a nice dinner?"

Kevin shook his head. "I know what you're thinking and don't. I work with her."

"But she's nice, Kevin. Your dad thought her article about him was very fair. It wouldn't hurt you to make some friends here."

"Going to bed," Kevin called as he wheeled past her and headed for the lift on the steps.

* * *

  
As Kevin pulled into his parking place he noticed that Rebecca's car was gone from her spot the night before. Pulling his chair from the passenger seat, he quickly snapped the wheels back on and slid from the car into his wheelchair. He had just closed the car door when he heard her greeting. He pivoted so that he was facing her. 

"Looks like you got it started," Kevin said, smiling at Rebecca.

"Yeah, I called AAA last night after I got home and got it going again about ten last night. But thanks for the ride. It saved me big time."

"And thanks for dinner," Kevin replied, as he began to head for the building.

Rebecca smiled back at him. "So, any plans for tomorrow night?"

Kevin stopped mid-roll. "Uhit's usually family movie night, butno, I don't."

"Cause I was going to see this band down at Club 21. The paper wants me to do a short write-up and you wouldn't have to fact check, if you were there," Rebecca said, her voice casual.

"Ilet me think about it?" Kevin asked.

"Sure," Rebecca answered.

* * *

  
"So, who's turn is it to decide on the movie tonight?" Will asked as the family gathered around the table. 

"Kevin's," Luke responded, not looking up from the book he had balanced on the edge of the table.

Helen pulled the book away from him, marking his page before she closed it and set it on the table. "We have rules about table manners."

"Joan can have my pick," Kevin replied. "I picked for her last time andI'm not going to be around tonight."

The entire family stopped eating and turned to stare at him.

"Hot date?" Joan asked after a moment of silence.

Kevin shook his head. "No, just going to a club with Rebecca. For work."

"A club, a good looking species of the opposite sexyeah, I'd say it's a date," Luke interjected.

"It's not a date," Kevin replied.

Helen smiled at her oldest son. "Will you be out late?"

"Can you get in there?" his dad asked.

"This is not worthy of a ten point operational plan," Kevin said. "I'm going out to listen to music with a friend. At an accessible building. I'm a fact checker. Did you think I'd not check that out?"

"Have fun," Joan replied as Kevin unlocked the wheels of his chair, backed up and headed for his room to get ready for the evening.

* * *

  
"Can you get in there?" 

Kevin looked over at Rebecca as they stood in front of Club 21. There were five steps up to the door. No ramp in sight.

"I called this afternoon. They said it was accessible," Kevin replied.

"Well, let me go see what the deal is. They must have a different entrance," Rebecca said.

Kevin rolled back, away from the doorway as Rebecca entered the building. The music was pulsing out the door, and it was clear that a pretty large crowd had gathered.

He had called. The guy said it was no problem. But no one had mentioned a ramp. That should have set off a warning signal in his head. He should have cancelled.

"The bouncer will be here in a minute," Rebecca said, interrupting Kevin's self-flagellation.

Kevin looked at her. "To show us to the other door?"

"Uh...no...he's going to...he'll help you in," Rebecca stammered.

Kevin swiveled his chair to head back toward the car. Rebecca moved toward him, grabbing the handle on the back of his chair. 

"Don't do that," Kevin said. 

Rebecca dropped her hand and Kevin turned to face her again. 

"I'm sorry," Rebecca said.

"No...I'm...I'm just going to go," Kevin said, then turned to leave again. Rebecca stepped around so that she was facing him again.

"Please don't go," she said. "I'm sorry this didn't work out, but we can go somewhere else."

"And who's going to cover the story for the paper?" Kevin asked. "Go back, write your article. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kevin wheeled past her and headed to his car as Rebecca stood watching him go.

* * *

  
"You're home early," Helen said as Kevin came in the back door. 

Kevin hung his coat up without saying a word, then wheeled past his mom.

"You want to talk about it?"

Kevin stopped, but didn't turn to face her. "Not really."

"Sometimes it's"

"Sometimes, it isn't, Mom," Kevin interrupted.

"Okay, but if you need a sounding board, you know I'm here for you," Helen replied.

Kevin didn't move. His head dropped and his shoulders began to shake slightly. Helen stepped closer and put her hand on his right shoulder and rubbed it very slowly.

"It's just sodamned hard," Kevin said, his voice cracking as his tears began to betray him.

"I know.I know" Helen soothed. She pulled a chair from the table and slid it around so she could sit facing him. She took his hands in hers. "What happened?"

Kevin explained about the club not being accessible. "And that's frustrating, but it's just that"

"That you think you're never going to meet someone and just go on a date with them again?"

He nodded. "It's just that it immediately becomes so much more serious. There's nothing casual about going somewhere with me. We have to worry about parking, about getting in the building, where the bathroom isthere's no such thing as just being casual anymore."

Helen reached up and touched Kevin's cheek, wiping away the tears that had fallen there. "That's true, there will always be some element of planning, but it's not always going to feel like this. So much of this is new. So much has changed for you. You went from being an independent person, ready to move away from home to being very dependent on us again and I know that is hard for you. I wish I could take all of that pain and struggle away from you, but I can't. You have to begin to learn again for yourself."

"I'm just" Kevin stopped.

"Just what?" Helen asked.

Kevin looked down, then ran his hands along the arms of his wheelchair. "I guess I'm scaredscared that I'm going to finish this phase of adjustment and find out that nothing really has gotten better."

"Is that what's holding you back?" Helen asked.

Kevin looked up at her. "What do you mean?"

She took his hand. "You've had your new wheelchair for almost six months. Why haven't you brought it downstairs, used it to go to work."

Kevin shot her a look.

"When you left therapy they told you that you could adjust to a less restrictive chair, something that would be lighter and easier to use, but you're still using the one that they first gave you."

"It's"

"It's safer. And it keeps you in that time of adjustment and you don't have to worry about tipping, but you also can't try taking a curb or going up a couple steps to get in somewhere. You have to learn to take risks again, Kevin."

"I got my license. I got a job."

"It's a start. You need to learn to trust yourself. And when you do, you're going to trust the people around you again."

Helen leaned in and hugged Kevin. "I love you and I want the best for you. Please, don't ever forget that."

She leaned back and ran her hand along the right side of his face. "You know that, don't you?"

Kevin nodded. "Thanks."

To Be Continued

  


  



	2. Anger

The Five Stages: Anger 

  


**Anger**

* * *

**Anger** - _a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism._

Luke walked out of the hobby shop and stopped. Kevin was already in the car. He didn't want to go over there. He didn't want to face his big brother. He didn't know what to say to him.

He walked up to the station wagon and opened the door. Kevin's wheelchair sat in the passenger seat in pieces. He stood for a moment trying to decide if he should move it, then opened the back seat and climbed into the car.

Kevin didn't say anything. After a moment he started the car and headed toward home.

The instant they hit the driveway, Luke jumped out of the car and ran into the house. 

He opened the front door and immediately faced his mom.

"Where's Kevin?"

She was a broken record. Luke didn't answer, instead heading for the stairs. He took them two at a time, hurried down the hallway, heading into his bedroom. He slammed the door and headed for his bed.

At least they had their own rooms in this house. No bunk beds here. He had felt so grown up when his dad had brought home the bunk beds and set them up. Not only did he have a big boy bed, but he got to share a room with his big brother Kevin.

He had always idolized Kevin. He was the big brother that everyone would wanthe was cool, an athletekids liked him, looked up to him. Luke seriously believed that his life was easier because he was Kevin Girardi's brother.

After the accident, his dad took down the bunk beds. Kevin couldn't climb up into his bed any longerhe couldn't even come upstairs to their room. Luke helped his dad move the bed downstairs to the den.

He would never share a room with Kevin again.

* * *

  
Luke pulled the magnet out of the bag, the bottles of paint untouched. He wasn't sure who he was more angry with: Kevin or the man in the store. 

When Kevin first came home from the hospital, Luke was afraid of him. They all were. Kevin had always been the big brother, the strong one. He was the athlete, "the popular one." Luke was a geek, but his brother had always looked out for him.

After the accident, Kevin was different and it was unsettling to Luke. He didn't know how to react, what to say to the stiff, angry boy who sat in the wheelchair.

And why was it always about him? About Kevin? Before the accident, his parents had asked Luke about what was going on his life, about his latest project. They had looked at his report card and talked to him about it, even though it didn't require a signature because he was not performing up to his potential.

Now, he could fail trig and no one would care. Not that he would, but he could if he wanted to.

Luke sighed and looked at the paint bottles again. He stood up and grabbed the bag in his hand. He didn't want to look at them anymore. He didn't want to remember the look on Kevin's face as he took the bottles from the shelf. He didn't want to remember the man's voice in the store as he told Luke to feel sorry for his brother. 

He got up and headed toward Kevin's room, but stopped before he went in. When was it going to be like it used to be? When was his big brother going to be back, or had that been lost in the accident too?

Luke paused, then walked up to Kevin's door. Kevin was busy wrapping up his models and putting them in a box. 

"I brought you the stuff you needed," Luke said, walking tentatively into the room.

Kevin looked up at him. "The stuff you bought for me, you mean? I don't need it. I'm getting rid of all my toys."

His toys. It was always about Kevin. They used to work on models together but now Kevin never asked him to help. 

"Scale models aren't toys," Luke answered as he fingered one of the planes in a box near Kevin's door.

"It's time for me to grow up," Kevin replied.

Luke turned to stare at Kevin. That was a pretty rich comment given Kevin's actions that morning. "I wasn't aware that that was something you could just decide."

Kevin stopped with the models and fixed his eyes on Luke. "I was the perfect big brother. Come on, admit it. I'm stronger, faster, better-looking."

Luke protested, but Kevin continued. 

"It's a reality, kid. Face it. People were only nice to you because you were Kevin Girardi's little brother. Probably kept you from being beat up about a hundred times."

Luke stared at Kevin, desperate for a witty comeback. "I do seem to attract threats of violence." He'd always known that Kevin felt this way, but he had never heard his brother say it and certainly not in this way.

"Last night, the natural order was reversed. You were the big brother. You were smarter and stronger and tougher."

Luke smarted back, "And better-looking?"

"I'm the big brother in this family, in or out of the wheelchair. So, get offa my cloud."

Cloud? What did Kevin mean by a cloud?

"Yesterday...that will not happen again."

Luke tried to figure out if this was Kevin's apology, if he was admitting he was wrong before. "Are you apologizing to me?"

Kevin sighed.

"No, no, of course not. Why would you? It's an explanation, and that's enough," Luke replied, his words tumbling one over another.

"I'll pay you for the paint if you can't get your money back," Kevin responded.

Would this not just end, Luke thought. "No, it's not"

Kevin shot him a look of death.

"Yes, I can use the money. And you're fully capable."

Kevin looked hard at Luke again. "You're going to be proud of me again."

How did he respond to that? Luke wasn't sure, so he turned and left. As he crossed back to his room, Joan's door opened up.

Luke stopped. Joan's face was red and chapped. She'd been crying. 

"Are you okay?" he asked as he stepped closer to her.

Joan shook her head. "I'm just..." She pointed to the bathroom. 

Luke stepped aside. He wanted to do something, say something. She was older than him, but it was clear Joan needed an older brother and since Kevin seemed to have abdicated that role, he should probably step into it. He waited for a moment, then walked into Joan's room.

After a few minutes, she returned, closing the door before she noticed Luke sitting on her bed.

"I'd rather be alone," she said as she stood at the door waiting for Luke to leave.

"But Kevin would come in here, make sure you're not beating yourself up over this...failure of imagination."

Joan shot him a look.

"Mom and Dad do not discuss things quietly."

Joan sighed. "So, why isn't Kevin in here and anyway, you're my little brother"

"I think Kevin's on a break from responsibility," Luke answered. "So, I am temporarily stepping in."

Joan smiled, then laughed. "Nice try, Luke." She walked over and sat down on the bed next to him. "What do you mean Kevin's on a break?"

"A break, a retreat, denial of the fact that he's the leader of the packI don't know. I just know that we might want to look elsewhere for an example to follow."

"Did something happen?" Joan asked, concern creeping into her voice.

Luke sighed, then smashed his hand down on the bed. He turned to face his sister. "Doesn't it ever bother you? I mean, one day everything was fine and then the next day nothing was ever the same again. Don't youdon't you wish he'd never gotten in that car, that he was just away at college like he was supposed to be? I mean, I could handle him being gone, not being around, but it's not the same with him being here like this"

Luke was nearly shouting by the time he finished.

"Whoa, Luke. You need, likea chill pill," Joan replied.

"YeahI mean, I think it's some sort of reaction to the variable emotional status of this household, but seriously, don't youI meanwhat's going on with him?"

"You know what happened to him, Luke. Hehe got in an accident. His whole life changed. You need to cut him some slack."

"Sometimes I wonder if he wanted this to happen," Luke answered.

Joan stared at Luke. "That's a joke, right?"

Luke shrugged his shoulders.

"Like he just got in a car and said, 'Let's crash this puppy because I want to spend my life in a wheelchair'? Are you damaged?"

Luke stood up. "Never mind. You wouldn't understand."

"What is wrong with you, Luke? You'rewhat happened to "the man of science?" 

"Maybe science can't answer every question," Luke replied, his voice clipped.

Joan looked at her brother again. "Have you talked to Mom about this?"

"About what?" Luke asked.

"Your break from reality, your damage?"

Luke stood up and headed toward the door. He stopped and turned back. "Maybe you just don't want to see what's going on around here, Joan. Maybe you just want to do your cheerleader try-outs and have your drama with Adam Rove, but you're not the center of the universe."

Joan opened her mouth, then closed it, not saying anything. 

Luke walked out his sister's room and down to his own. He stalked inside and slammed the door shut. The framed Mathlete certificate on his wall shook a bit, then rested against the wall along the door once again. Luke walked over to his computer, sat down and opened a chat program. Friedman was on. Again. Luke closed the program without pinging anyone. He pushed his chair back from the desk with a sigh.

Joan didn't get it. His dad didn't get it. His mom seemed to show a glimmer of understanding, but it was all covered up with her all-consuming concern about Kevin's problems.

Things were supposed to be different now. For all these years so much of the focus had been on his brother, on his successes. Yeah, his parents were supportive of Luke's accomplishments too, but his dad had never kept a scrapbook of his science fair triumphs.

Kevin was going away to college. And Joanwell, Joan would always be there, but it wasn't like she took center stagenot like Kevin did before.

And sure as hell not like how Kevin did now. It was all about him and nowwell, now it was embarrassing to even be around Kevin. He was

Luke looked up as someone tapped at his door.

"Go away."

"Luke"

Luke looked up at the sound of his mom's voice. "Go away," he said again, this time more quietly. 

The door knob turned slowly and Helen pushed the door open slowly. "Hey."

Luke looked over at his mother, his mouth twisted slightly. He didn't want to talk to her. His fist twisted the blanket on his bed into a tight knot. He just wanted to be here, by himself

"What happened, sweetie?" his mom asked as she crossed the room to sit on the bed next to him.

"Ask Kevin," Luke replied.

"I'm asking you," she responded.  


"Well, that's a first, " Luke responded.  


Helen slipped her arm around him. Luke squirmed away, but his mom moved closer again.  
"This has been pretty hard on you, hasn't it?"  


Was it a question that even required an answer? Of course it had been hard, it was hard on all of them, but it wasn't like he was the one whose life was changed, the one who wouldn't play baseball, couldn't  


"Luke?"  


Luke turned to face his mom. "Will anything ever be the same again? Will we ever be normal again?"  


Helen raised her hand up to brush away the tear that had escaped from his eye. "I'd like to say yes, that in two months from now none of us will even remember that any of this happened, but I don't know that. I don't think any of can. But what we can do is acknowledge that something happened to all of usit wasn't just Kevin in that car. There was a part of you, Joan, your dadof all of us. Now, what happened tonight?"  


Luke sighed. He wasn't going to tell her. It was the unspoken rule of brotherhood. What had happened in that store, it was between him and Kevin.   
"Don't worry about it, Mom," he answered. "It was one of those things. It'll be fine."  


"Talk to your brother, Luke. And talk to me. I worry about you. I worry about all of you."  


"Not just Kevin?" Luke asked.  


Helen pulled Luke into a hug. "Of course I worry about all of you. I worry that we've ruined your life by moving you from everything that you knew, away from your grandparents, your friends. I worry that I worry too much about Kevin and I'm ignoring you. I worry that Joan iswell, you have to admit that she's been a little strange since we got here."  


"Joan was strange before, Mom."  


Helen sat back and faced Luke. "True, but I love and care about all of you. Sure, I have to focus a bit more on Kevin now, but it's his turn, and I worry that by spending so much time on Kevin that I'm missing what's happening to you. You've always been the easy one, Luke. You find your own joy in life, but lately I haven't seen that very much. You seem distant and you seem angry. And I know that you have lots of things to be angry about, but I'm concerned about you, Luke..."  


"I didn't think you even noticed," Luke answered.  


Helen stood up and put her hand on his shoulder. "Of course I noticed, Luke. I'm your momit's hard-wired into my motherboard."  


Luke laughed. "Very funny, Mom."  


"Hold on, Luke. I can't tell you when, but it's going to get better. I promise." She leaned in and kissed Luke on the forehead. "Talk to me. And, talk to your brother."  


Luke nodded. "I will. I love you, Mom."  


"I love you too, Luke."  


Luke watched as his mom walked out of his room. He sat on his bed for a moment, then got up and walked into the hallway. It was dark, the only light shining out from under his parents' door. He crossed to Kevin's door and knocked. There was no answer. He waited, then pushed open the door. Kevin was in bed. Luke stood for a moment, not even sure what he was doing in there, what he would say if Kevin did wake up. He was turning to leave when Kevin switched on the light next to his bed.  


"You working on your Peeping Tom routine?" Kevin asked as he pulled himself up into a sitting position.  


"I was justI didn't know that you were"  


"Luke."  


"Yeah?" Luke didn't move any closer, rooted into his spot on the floor.  


"I'm sorry about all of this. I never meant to"  


"I know that," Luke answered.  


"Do you really? Because I know I let you down. I know that I did a stupid thing and sure it looks like I'm the one who's paying the price, but I'm not so stupid I can't see what I did to everyone here. Don't you think I feel bad about that every single day?"  


Luke nodded, unable to answer.  


"Cause I need you to know that. And I need to know that you're going to be okay again, that I haven't ruined it between us."  
Luke moved closer to the bed.  


"It would be easier for you to just come over here, cause I can't just"  


Luke didn't move.  


"I won't break," Kevin said as he grabbed the trapeze again. Struggling a bit, he moved over so there was room for Luke to sit next to him.  


Luke sat down on the edge of the bed, his hip barely on the mattress.  


"When you were bornI wanted a brother so bad. I mean, Joan was great and all, but she wasn't that much fun. "If I had a brother, it would be so much better."  


"Must have been a pretty big disappointment when I did show up," Luke replied.  


"What do you mean?" Kevin asked.  


"I'm no good at sportsa geek. You had to stick up for me all the time, protect me. I'd think I was more of a liability than the great little brother you were hoping for," Luke replied.  


Kevin moved to embrace Luke, then stopped and instead cuffed him on the shoulder. "That's just nuts, Luke. You're the best brother I could have hadI wouldn't want anyone else, no matter what."  


Luke broke down. He hadn't cried since the night they had called from the hospital, and even then he hadn't let himself go right away -- he'd waited until he was back in their room, the room he shared with Kevin. That night and every night after until his dad took down the bunk beds, he'd slept in the top bunk.  


But he hadn't let himself cry for a long time, now: everyone needed him to be brave, to pick up the slack.  


Luke brushed away his tears. "Sorry," he said, choking a bit. "Didn't mean to be such a baby."  


Kevin reached up once again to touch his brother's arm. "You don't think I cry?"  


Luke shook his head.  


"Well, at first, I mean it was the drugs, they made me do it, but after thatwell, I won't go into detail, but there's a lot of pride to be swallowed when a guy gets in my position. You have no control over so many things, including your emtions. So, sometimes you have to cry, you can't help it. It's not like you can go out for a run and work that stuff out anymore, so you have to do other stufflike throw something. Or yell at somebody who doesn't deserve it. Or burn your dad's scrapbook"  


"Or steal something?" Luke interjected.  


Kevin's face grew serious. "Yeah, like that. Because sometimes the bullshit gets so deep you don't believe that anything will feel right again, but you know what, Lukewhat I did, that just added to the bs, it didn't help anything."  


Luke nodded. Kevin's eyes were locked on his, the silence grew stifling in the room. Luke wanted to respond, to say something that would explain how he'd been feeling to Kevin, but he didn't know what to say.  


"Go to bed, kid. You have school and I have to get to work."  


Luke stood up. Before he left he paused and turned to his brother. "I'm lucky, you know."  


Kevin didn't answer.  


"And you are too. And don't worry about other people. If they can't figure it out, then let's not waste our time on them."  


Kevin just nodded in agreement. "Good night, Luke." He reached over and flicked off the light.  


Luke stood in the darkness for a moment, then headed back to his bedroom. As he walked over to get in bed, he stopped and ran his hand over the headboard. You could still see where the piece fit in to bunk the bed. When they moved to Arcadia his dad had offered to put the beds back up, but Luke had said no. He still didn't want the bunk bedsthey were juvenile, but he did want to switch the bed in his room.  


He wanted to sleep in Kevin's bed again.  


To Be Continued

  


  



	3. Depression

The Five Stages: Depression 

**Depression**

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I'm sorry it took a bit longer for this chapter to be posted. Many thanks to Mare and Beth for their wonderful beta work on this story. 

**Depression** - _a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, and feelings of dejection._

The alarm clock began beeping next to Will Girardi's head. He reached a hand out from under the covers and hit the snooze button. Sighing, he rolled over and pretended to go back to sleep.

"Hey, are you staying in there all day?" Helen asked as she sat down on the bed. She pulled the blankets back and Will opened his eyes. She removed the towel that had been wrapped around her freshly washed hair and began to rub the last of the moisture from her head.

"No," Will replied, closing his eyes again.

Helen leaned in and kissed him. "I'm going to go start some coffee. You want eggs?"

Will didn't answer. 

After a moment, Helen stood up and headed for the door. "See you downstairs," she called as she headed for the stairs.

The alarm began to beep again.

* * *

It wasn't as if you could tell the day it started. It was like a cloud slowly easing over the sun, a fog moving in from the coast. One day you realize that it's been weeks since you saw that sunyou can't remember when it stopped shining and you have no idea when it's coming out again.

Had it been when they moved to Arcadia? When he arrested Tommy Wyatt, the fire chief? Had it been the day he tried to get Kevin to play basketball again?

Had it been the night they got the call that Kevin was at the hospital?

When was the last time he had felt okay? Will couldn't remember anymore. He sighed and leaned over to grab his shoes. The left one was hiding under the bed. As he pulled it out, he also brought out a dark brown leather-covered book. He reached down and picked the book up.

The University of Arizona. It had been part of the family's plans for so long that it still didn't seem real that Kevin wasn't going to be leaving one of these daysthat something wouldn't change that would make it possible.

If Joan had put out a call before her garage sale, they could have offered an entire table of Arizona apparel. Some of it they bought, some of it the athletic department had sent for them to wear. There were t-shirts and sweatshirtsjerseys from the baseball team and pennants. The first real fight he had with Helen after the accident was about her taking Kevin's pennant off the wall in his room.

That was when they had given up.

The job at Arcadia seemed to appear out of nowhere, giving them all the escape they needed. At first, it was all a blur. Kevin was hurt. They were all at the hospital. Then Kevin was in rehab and Helen was gone with him. It was up to Will to keep things running at home, to try and preserve some element of normalcy for Joan and Luke.

The e-mail sat in his box for at least a week. He couldn't even think about moving the family now, not with everything so uncertain and everyone so upset. Life was good for themlife had been good for them.

But Kevin wasn't ever going to play baseball for Arizona. And Joan cried herself to sleep. And Luke was refused to go to science camp. And most of allHelen always took the long way home.

She tried to pass it off as wanting to pick something up at the grocery store, or some laundry at the dry cleaner, or they should look at the leaves that were turning by the lake. But when Will pressed her on it, she finally confessed. She couldn't drive down the road where Andy Baker had ended her son's dreams. She couldn't make it past the spot, the tree, the shiny new railing they had replaced on the curve in the road. She'd much rather drive fifteen minutes out of her way instead.

A new job and a new town would be a new start for all of them. It would be a chance to start over, to avoid the faces of their neighbors, who tried to smile when they greeted the Girardis, but you could tell they really just wanted to pat you on the head and say, "I'm so sorry about your tragedy."

Will was sick of being the center of the tragedy, of being the perfect family that had it all end in the drunken crash of a car into a tree along a curve on a county road.

* * *

He could hear the kids and Helen in the kitchen, their chatter echoing back through the living room and up the stairs. He walked down the steps slowly, forcing a smile on his face as he walked into the brightly lit kitchen.

"Hey, Dad, can I have fifty bucks?"

Will stopped on his way to the coffeemaker to turn and face Luke. Helen asked what the money was for and Luke replied that it was for some inverter thing.

"I happen to have a couple of those in my pocket," he joked, trying to appear as if he'd followed the whole conversation. Luke kept talking while Will reached into his wallet and pulled out two twenties and a ten. It was easier to give Luke the money than to actually try to figure out what was going on with his youngest.

"Anybody else?" he offered, as Joan began to expound on her need for new shoes. The noise seemed to be in the background as Kevin offered to pay for his physio and Helen told him no. Of course not. Finally, the kids left, taking the oppressive noise with them. The room was silent, but he could feel Helen's eyes on him.

"We're going to talk about money now, aren't we?" he asked as he sat down at the table. He listened while Helen told him again about the cost of Kevin's therapy, the costs for making the house accessible. It didn't seem fair, the accident was costing Kevin every day, along with the rest of them. How could it also be so expensive for their son to have lost so much?

"Well, at least you'll get a salary bump when they pick up your contract," he heard Helen say.

The moment of truth. He'd been keeping the truth from her. He knew in his head that it was wrong, but his heart didn't want to hurt her again. She'd been hurt so many times and it had been his idea to come to Arcadia in the first place. It had been the right thing. They had to get away from that curve, from that shiny new piece of metal. And now he'd gone and screwed that up too

"You don't get a salary bump?" Helen asked. After he didn't respond, she followed with, "They might not pick up your contract?"

"Let's not fall off that bridge yet. I've got a good six months to charm people!" Will replied. "It'll be fine. I promise." How, he wasn't surebut he would have to figure out some way to make it fine.

* * *

Everything suddenly felt so much harder. It wasn't just the money, or his jobit was everything. Now Helen wanted them in therapy. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to anyone about this feeling. It was bad enough that he felt this way; he certainly didn't want the rest of the family to know that he felt this way. They all had their own problems.

Will sighed and pushed open his car door. At least work seemed predictable. At least he was in charge and people listened to him without too many questions. He hated the constant questioning, from Helen, from the kids. Why couldn't they listen and accept his decisions?

Why couldn't Helen let it go about the therapy? They were a good familytwo parents who loved their kids. The kids were good tooKevin had been a good athlete, Luke was a great student and Joan, well, she was a smart, unique girl in her own way. They didn't need some head shrinker to manufacture some problem with them. 

Will got out of the car and began walking toward the police station. More than ever before, this building felt like his sanctuary. Home certainly wasn't one any longer.

* * *

"It's mostly crack, but we found three guns, approximately 2,000 Ecstasy tablets, and almost a kilo of methamphetamine," Toni rattled off as she stood in Will's office.

"Two years! Two. Years." 

Will looked up to find a Drug Enforcement Agency agent followed by District Attorney Gabe Fellowes. The DEA agent continued angrily yelling that Will had blown their surveillance for a small bust, purely done for PR needs.

"Will, this is Steve Thompson from the DEA," Gabe said.

Will fixed his stare on Thompson. "Are you yelling for my benefit, or to impress your guys? Because if it's for me, you might as well cut it out." 

The room cleared until only Will, the DA and Thompson remained. 

"I agreed to lay back on the crack house as long as the DEA kept me informed," Gabe explained.

Will turned to Thompson, "You're a cop, sort of. You know the DA doesn't have the authority to cut that deal." 

The argument continued until Gabe dropped a bomb. "It's going to look like the arrests were bad. You're going to wear this. Enjoy your next six months as a lame-duck incompetent chief...Chief." 

With that, he turned and followed Thompson out of Will's office. Will sighed and then walked back to his desk. He sat down and dropped his head in his hands. All he wanted to do was go to sleep.

* * *

Will walked into the house to find everyone waiting for him in the kitchen. 

"No dinner tonight?" he asked as he slipped his coat off.

Helen shot him a look. Will was confused. He couldn't imagine what they were all doing standing there like they were waiting for him

Joan handed him his coat back. "Therapy, you know, Mom's idea, your cheap therapist. She said there would be pizza on the way home if we didn't complain in the car."

"I'll drive," Kevin offered as he wheeled past his dad and sister. "You want to ride in the way back, Luke?"

Will sighed as Helen took his hand and they walked out to the driveway. Kevin was sliding into the car as they walked up.

"You want me to stick this in back?" Will asked Kevin as he pointed to the wheelchair.

"Yeah, that'd be great, since Joan seems to want to fill its usual location," Kevin replied.

Will leaned over and began to pull the wheels off the chair. He couldn't look uphe could feel the tears were close and that wasn't what they all needed on their way to therapy for the first time. It didn't happen every time, but the tangibility of the chair, of seeing Kevin struggle to get into that beat-up old car of his, sometimes it was too much. Finally, Kevin was in the car. Will collapsed the chair headed for the back of the wagon. The door creaked as he opened it and lifted the chair into the back. He pushed the door closed with a slam and headed for the passenger seat in front.

"Okay, let's get this over with," he said as he climbed into the car. 

Kevin fired up the engine and they left.

* * *

Will was closing the back door of the wagon when Helen came over and slipped her arm around him. "Thank you for coming," she whispered in his ear, and then kissed him.

He turned to face her and smiled. "I hope it helps," he responded.

Helen smiled. "Me too." She kissed him again and then took his hand to lead him toward the therapist's office. 

* * *

The wait was brief before the therapist, Kathleen Sundberg, ushered the Girardis back into her office. She closed the door behind them and took a seat.

"Where would you like to start?" Kathleen asked.

Will's thoughts drifted slightly until he heard the therapist say his name. What was it? Why did he think they had come to therapy? "I'm here because my wife wants me to be."   
He turned to see that Helen didn't look entirely thrilled with that answer. "Because she thinks it's important." Still the look. "Because...it is important." 

Finally, the focus switched from him to Kevin. Good, no one really sensed that anything other than unwillingness was going on with him. He listened as Kathleen kept poking at Kevin. It wasn't fair, it wasn't totally Kevin's fault that they were here at all. It was just the obvious reason. Finally, she accused Kevin of being passive-aggressive. Will had to protest.

"You object to the terminology?" the therapist asked. 

"I'm a big believer in resourcefulness, people solving their own problems, that kind of thing," Will replied.

"Well," Kathleen began, "I'm picking up that Kevin is still very angry. How would you like to solve that issue, Will?"

Why had this suddenly become about him? Why couldn't they leave him alone? He sighed. "He's driving. He's working. He's figuring it out. Actually, I'm more concerned about Joan." 

"I told you. This is about me being crazy," Joan interjected. "So I picked up some strange interests. I mean, kids do that. So I smash a piece of art. I mean I had my reasons. And the whole cheating thing is completely whack." 

Will looked up. Cheating? When had that happened? Was he so out of the loop now? He had to start paying more attention, being more present. "Joan cheated?" he asked Helen.

"It's just Price on a tear. Joan didn't cheat," Helen replies.

"How could you not tell me about it?" he asked.

"This just in, Will: I try to protect you from things if I can." 

So she did know. Helen was a perceptive woman. The kids continued to spar about who needed more help. And now this woman thought that communication was a solution? They were Italian. Communication was not a problem for the Girardi family. 

Finally, it was over and they headed to the car. 

"Where are we going to eat?" Joan asked as Kevin unlocked the doors.

Will looked at her with a puzzled look on his face.

"Pizza. In a restaurant. Glasses of pop. Blackmail for seeing the head shrinker," Joan replied.

Will sighed. "You choose. Or Kevin. He's driving." Decisions were definitely beyond him.

* * *

Dinner was interminable, the ride home painful. Will hung his coat up and quickly headed to bed, as he tried to avoid any discussion of the evening's session. He was in bed with his book open when Helen appeared.

"Tired?" she asked as she began to get ready for bed.

"Uh huh," Will replied, keeping his eyes focused on the book. He didn't stop reading when she climbed into bed next to him, picked up her own book, and began to read.

"Will, is something wrong?" she asked after a while. "You've been on the same page for nearly half hour."

Will laid down the book. "It's a mystery. I'm trying to figure it out."

Helen sighed. "What's wrong?" 

He hesitated for a moment, trying to decide what to say. "I hate my job." There, it was out in the open. Saying it to Helen made it even truer. "I don't want to do it anymore." 

"You're just working things out. You hit a few rough patches." 

Will shook his head. "That's not it; it's bad. They didn't hire me to fix things. They hired me to play ball -- politically. I'm just going to keep bumping up against that until they fire me. And they will...fire me." 

"So, what do you want to do?" Helen asked, her voice filled with concern.

"I want to rewind my life about two years," he replied.

"Yeah. Me too. But what do you want to do?" she asked.

Will rolled over to face her. She had always been the rock for him, even when things had been so bad after the accident. In her grief she had always been strong enough for both of them. And they couldn't go home, even if Helen thought it was a good idea. He wouldn't put her back in that place that had hurt her so much before, had hurt all of them. Things were getting better. He wasn't going to give that up because things were harder for him in Arcadia.

"I need a glass of something," he said as he reached up to caress her face. He pushed the covers back and got out of bed.

The light was on as he walked down the steps. Joan was in the kitchen getting a mug of warm milk.

"Can I join you?" he asked.

"Sure, why not?" she replied.

"So, why can't you sleep?" he asked his daughter as he pulled a mug from the cupboard. 

"I don't know...something about my life being a big, hairy nightmare," Joan replied.

Will listened as Joan related the dream about her friends being upset with her. 

"Daddy, do you ever think about God?" 

Will stopped, surprised by her question. "No. I did too much thinking about him when I was young. My parents were very religious. They forced it on me, but it never made sense. Why was God mad at me? It wasn't my idea to create people and make them flawed." 

Will took his mug of milk from the microwave as Joan continued.

"It just makes no sense. I mean, he's always bugging me to do the right thing, and I'm like, 'If you're so big on the right thing, then why don't you just make it clear?'" 

What did Joan mean by that? Helen had insisted on the kids going to Sunday school and getting confirmed, but they hadn't been to church since they had moved. "God is bugging you?" 

"Not me. People. What I mean is, if there's a right thing to do, a right way to be, why isn't it obvious? You know, shouldn't there be a clear choice?" Joan asked.

"I guess the point is...to figure out how you can do the most good." He walked over to Joan and held her face in his hands, and then kissed her forehead. 

"Yeah, you're the best person I know and you don't even believe in him," she answered.

Will looked at her, surprised by her comment. "I'm the best person you know?" Joan smiled at him and he pulled her into an embrace. "Thanks, honey. I needed that tonight." Joan never ceased to amaze him. She was so unpredictable, like tonight. But she was also so honest and pure. He could go for days on one of her off-hand comments, especially these days when people in every other part of his life seemed to be on his case.

"Better than warm milk?" she asked.

"Much," he replied. "Now, it's late, get up to bed or you'll never make it to school tomorrow."

Joan kissed him on the cheek again and headed for the steps.

Will took another drag on his mug of milk and then headed for the living room. He sank down onto the couch and picked up the remote control. He was slowly flipping through the channels when he heard the motor of the wheelchair lift come to life. Turning the TV off, he got up and headed toward the stairs.

"Whole house must have insomnia tonight," he said as Kevin transferred into his chair at the bottom of the steps. "Something keeping you up, son?"

Kevin shrugged. "Just have a lot on my mind," he said as he wheeled past Will and into the kitchen.

"Warm milk?" Will asked as he reached into the cupboard for a mug.

"Sure," Kevin responded, "Although Mom keeps my special stash of mugs down here so I can get to them." Kevin reached in and pulled an insulated mug from the lower cupboard. "Should I be offended that she doesn't trust me with the family china any longer?"

"I think she was more afraid of heat conduction," Will replied as he put his mug back into the cupboard and took the insulated one from Kevin. "Of course this forces a more antiquated process of warming the milk." He reached up, took a small pan from the rack over the sink, and poured milk into it. He tucked the milk jug back into the refrigerator and then set the pan on the stove to warm.

"This is why I usually drink tea," Kevin replied.

Will set the mug, now filled with warmed milk, on the table. "You want something to eat? Piece of toast?" 

Kevin shook his head. He wheeled over to the table and took a sip of milk. "So, there must be a rash of insomnia tonight."

Will shot him a questioning look.

"I met Joan on the way down," Kevin explained.

"Oh yeah," Will replied. He walked over and pulled a chair out from the table to sit down. "So, you have a lot on your mind?"

Kevin shrugged.

"You know, you used to talk to me about stuff that was bothering you."

Kevin laughed slightly. "Yeah, you used to listen to what I was telling you."

Will leaned forward. "What does that mean?" he asked Kevin.

Kevin shrugged. "Just that you've been trying to figure out what I need for the past couple years, instead of asking what would be good for me."

"I listen to you," Will protested.

Kevin was silent for a moment and then reached down to release the brakes on his chair. "I think the milk worked," he said as he pushed back from the table.

"I don't think we're done here," Will answered. "When haven't I listened to?"

"It's late," Kevin replied as he pivoted and headed back toward the stairs.

Will stood up to follow his son and then sank back down. He'd done nothing but listen to all of them, to hear their pain and try to do whatever he could to make that stophe'd kept things going at home when Helen wasn't able to function because of her grief. He'd supported Kevin and not gotten on his case for making, what arguably could be described as a terrible decision with implications for all of him. For God's sake, he had moved his family halfway across the country just to try to help all of them! So, for Kevin to accuse him of not listening seemed pretty classic.

Will sighed and poured the cold remains of his milk into the sink. He rinsed the mug and set it in the drainer, turned off the light and headed back up to bed.

* * *

Round two with the therapist didn't seem to be going any better than the first night, as far as Will was concerned. Joan droned on about her history teacher as Will half-heartedly tried to listen.

"Look, I know the only reason we were in therapy was because I acted kind of crazy, but um, as far as I'm concerned, we can all go home now, because the craziness is over. I'm done," Joan said. 

"Will? Helen? Is there anything you'd like to discuss?" the therapist asked.

Helen shook her head. "No, I'm thinking Will was right, maybe we all just need to talk to each other and not bring all our problems in here."

Will was quiet for a moment as he thought about his conversation with Kevin from the night before. "Then again, maybe it's best that we get it out in the open," he said, surprising his wife, the therapist and himself a bit.

"Well, this wasn't for our problems; this was to help the kids," Helen said.

She was missing the point. "Our problems affect the kids," he shot back. 

"He doesn't mean problem problems," Helen tried to explain to Kathleen.

"We're in this forum now; maybe it's best to talk about whatever it is that's really going on," Will continued. For some reason he felt like a light had been turned on and he wasn't going to stop just because Helen didn't seem to want to get into it. They had spent the last two years not dealing with the real issues because someone didn't feel like it was the right moment to talk about what had happened to them.

Helen tried to direct the conversation back to Luke, a typical move on her part. Luke was so rarely engaged by them to discuss family matters that he would never bring it up. He was a good kid, but they'd managed to shelter both him and Joan from most of the angst caused by the accident.

"Oh...okay...um...I've kind of been dying to talk to someone about M-Brane Theory, and how it...derails where I was philosophically headed..." Luke began.

Kevin suddenly smacked the arm of his chair and shouted, "For God's sake! I can't stand it. Can we -- can we please just talk about the gigantic stain on the carpet?" 

Will's head snapped as his eyes locked on Kevin's. The outburst was shocking.

"We've been dancing around it for almost two years now and it's making me crazy and maybe it's why I'm so pissed off all the time!" Kevin yelled. "Because no one will say it out loud, so I have to. The accident...it was my fault. This...was my fault. The guys and I were out partying after the game. My friend Andy was wasted. I tried to take his keys. He got pissed off. I was afraid of not...being cool. So I went for the ride." Kevin's voice began to break slightly. "I went for the ride. And so...here we all are. I did this." 

Will began to get up, but Helen's arm kept him seated on the couch. 

"God didn't do it. The universe didn't conspire. The planets didn't align against me. Can somebody just please say it out loud?" Kevin started to cry again. "I did this!" 

The family sat stunned for a moment. It was the one thing they had never discussed. Will knew Andy Baker had been driving. He knew the kid was drunk. There was an accident report on the whole thing and Andy, a kid he'd known since Kevin joined Little League in grade school, had spent the summer after graduation in jail instead of having his last summer of freedom before college.

But that seemed fair; because Kevin didn't have a summer of fun either. Instead, he'd been in rehab learning how to get in and out of his wheelchair. Fundamentally, Will had always known that Kevin had made a conscious decision to be in the car that night, but when were they going to ask him? At the hospital as he was waking up and realizing that he was paralyzed? Or maybe during rehab when he was learning how to take care of his bodily needs? Or maybe they should have asked him when he first got home and was so weak that Will had to lift him in and out of the bathtub and Helen had bathed him.

No, the time had never seemed right until too much time had gone past altogether.

Finally the therapist got up and walked over with a box of tissues. Kevin took several from her and wiped away the tears that had fallen.

Helen stood up and walked over to him, but he shook his head. "I'm fine. Don't, just don't."

Joan and Luke sat frozen in their seats. No one would say a word. Finally, Will stood up.

"I think we should head home," he said as he began pulling his jacket on.

"I think we should stay and talk about this," the therapist responded.

Helen was still standing about a half foot from Kevin. "No, I think Will is right. Let'slet's go kids."

Will shot a look at Helen. Frankly, he was a little surprised that she had agreed with him. It had been her idea to come to therapy, but maybe it had become as clear to her as it was to him that this woman had nothing to really help them. And he didn't know about Helen, but there was this deep need in him to get his kids out of that room, to put his arms around them. They had been doing okay, there had been no need to rip the bandage off and expose their wound. That woman, the therapist, she had no right to push Kevin that way.

Kevin leaned forward and released the brakes on his chair. Will forced himself to refrain from going over to push his son's chair from the room. Kevin looked more fragile than he had since those first days home from the hospital when he was like a newborn again.

The Girardis filed from the building. Once they reached the parking lot, Kevin stopped and turned back toward the rest of his family.

"You want me to drive?" Will asked.

"No," Kevin said as he shook his head. 

Will stepped forward and put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Seriously, son. You'vewe've all had quite a day."

"I just" Kevin's voice broke again.

"What, honey?" Helen asked.

Kevin shook his head.

"We have to talk about it," Will said. "And we can do it here in the parking lot, or go back in that office or we can go home and do it, but we're talking about this before anyone goes to bed tonight."

"Home!" Joan and Luke shouted in unison.

Will and Helen looked at Kevin, who shrugged his shoulders. 

"Okay, home it is," Will said as they all headed to the car.

* * *

Will pulled the car into the driveway and turned the engine off. No one said anything, or made a move to get out of the car. Will kept his eyes forward, looking at the closed garage door.

"I'm sorry if moving you all here has made this harder," he began. "I thought it would make things better if we started over somewhere new."

Helen slipped her hand into his. "And I was glad when you told us about the job because I wanted a new start for all of us."

The three kids, sitting in the back seat, didn't respond.

"And maybe that wasn't the right choice, maybe it was running away from facing what happened to us, but we're here now. I don't see that we should go back," Will said, quietly.

"Happened to us," Kevin said, breaking the silence.

"Yes, us," Will replied. 

"I'm sorry my momentary lack of judgment ruined all of your lives," Kevin snapped back.

Helen turned to look at him, sitting behind Will. "Nobody's life is ruined here. But, I think it's fair for us all to acknowledge that things are different."

"Things are different for me," Luke offered.

"Not so much for me," Joan added.

Kevin laughed. 

"No, seriously, Kevin," Joan replied. "I know that life seems to have changed in some pretty dramatic ways for you, but in a lot of ways nothing changed for me and that's what sucks about this."

"Joan," Helen chided her daughter.

"Sorry, Mom," Joan apologized for her language. "But I was supposed to be the oldest one at home, taking more responsibilities for myself, not still being the middle child and the only responsibilities I got were more chores because Mom had to spend so much time helping Kevin."

No one responded to Joan's outburst.

"Plus, what about Luke?" Joan asked. "Third kid in four years, you're lucky you noticed that he was alive at all. You're lucky he's so good in school. If he wasn't a geek you'd have lost control a long time ago."

"Thanks, Joan," Luke replied.

"No, seriously, wasn't this going to be the time when Dad started to notice his other son?"

"Joan, no one is ignoring Luke," Helen interjected.

"No, it's true, I do well independently, but I did think that maybe"

"Just stop it," Kevin shouted, his voice loud in the close confines of the car. "So I screwed it up for everyone, I get that. Maybe I should move back, stay with Grandma. I could go to the university"

"I don't think that's what we're saying," Will said, interrupting Kevin. "It was going to be something. At some point, something happens to a family that rocks the foundation. And it's no one's fault that it happens, it's life. What makes or breaks the situation is whether we're being honest and accepting that a bad thing has happened. There might be other things, but we learn from this, we grow, we become stronger as a unit and as individuals."

Will reached forward and started the car again. "Okay, it was Thai last week, Joan got her Japanese the week beforedo I have a request from the peanut gallery? Luke? What's your choice for dinner this week?"

Luke didn't reply for a moment. "Greek?" he offered.

Will put the car in gear and began backing down the driveway. "Greek it is."

As he pulled into the street, Will looked up to the rearview mirror. The three kids sat in the backseat of the station wagon like they used to when they were young. He slid his arm up and around Helen's shoulder and she snuggled into his body as much as the seatbelt would allow. For the first time in weeks, he felt like he could breathe again.

To Be Continued

  



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